New Beginnings

Its been awhile since I've actually posted any information into what is actually going on.... It seems that everyone including myself is in transition. Most people I know are in a place of new beginnings, or ending which is the new beginning of something else......
I'm actually blessed to have so many of you at such different places - beginning cooking school or ministry school, having little ones, planning weddings, navigating job changes or career changes, new relationships and ending worn out ones.....the list goes on and on. With so much transition I'm reminded that life isn't lived in the momentous occasions. Though we mark our lives by them, real hard-core daily living is characterized by transition or the moments between the milestones.
I feel as if I'm in a really weird place right now. Kind of like limbo. I'm moving from one platform to another with a clear vision of where I've been, no safety net below, one rope holding me on, support people all around but not able to help a whole lot. I cannot stay where I am and I'm not quite to the other platform. I'm somewhere in between. Its jerky, its wobbling, at any given moment I could scream, laugh or cry. I'm holding onto my Rope for dear life and waiting to jump.
So where am I at in this process? I'm still very unsure of the path laid before me, I'm feeling out maternity leave, adjusting to a new boss, Brian began a new job today, just started teaching a new yoga class, I'm 10 weeks away from delivering a new little person into the world, physically moving into the house over the next 14 days......where does the list end? everything that could be new or changing is! Including my waistline!
(for all of you that are dying to know I've only gained like 20 lbs so far.) They have me on track to put on 30lbs during the entire pregnancy....we'll see)

not an alien

being pregnant is NOT a handicap. a due date is NOT an expiration date. pregnancy is NOT contagious. having a baby does NOT stop life. having a baby EXPANDS life and forces you to grow as a person.

home stretch....

on the home stretch now; third trimester has begun! 12 more weeks and I'm finished being a human incubator. Hard to believe huh? In 30 more days we'll be settleing in after much transition! Oct and Nov will be about taking a breath and getting ready for baby......
For those of you who say you aren't ready for this. Let me tell ya, you never will be. I'm still not. Its about letting go and flowing with what is.

Questions...

so the first trimester question was: "How are you feeling?"
the second trimester was: "Do you know what you are having?"
and the third trimester: "So when is your shower?"......
.....hang tight, you'll get an invite soon.

Sigh of relief...

So my grandmother went into the house today for the first time in over a month. She's aware she hasn't been to her house, she's accepted she doesn't live there but still wanted to see it. She has every right to want to see what is going on there. Currently furniture is moved about, painting is 75% complete and the flooring guy is coming soon (crossed fingers). It's not quite the disaster zone that it was but it's not far from it either.
My mother gave in to her prodding today and took her by to see the house. At first sight of the house my grandmother exclaimed, "Well some one's going to have to clean this place!" She wasn't too happy about things being moved about but understood it was for the painting. She's perfectly ok to let go of certain pieces, such as the old-a-mouse-could-live-in-me pink layZboy chair my brother and I have kept far too long. She was happy we were bringing back the hardwoods too and said she couldn't wait to see the baby's room!
This is such a sign of relief for all of us for her to gain a since of understanding. She's not only accepting she doesn't live there but is also accepting we will live there and is happy to have a 3rd generation raised in the home. She said she's looking forward to coming to see the baby at her house and knows he'll be happy there! This dwelling is not just a house its all of our HOME.

"Let us insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the kingdom of God. "
- Mother Teresa

a better world: God is in the details....

Today i was cleaning the office (i've been archiving old drawings for weeks) and finally decided to find a home for the stone-age printer we've got. i called A Better World, an after school care program just down the street. They provide tutoring, counseling, food needs and unique opportunities to at-risk kids and their families in the office's neighborhood. In the spring we donated several rolls of random, unusable large format paper to them and they were really excited to use it with the kids. I called today to see if they could make use of our printer. Their new director was floored and shared with me their specific need for an 11X17 color printer!Really awesome how little details work out.

another year bites the dust....

most of the time i'm super excited to turn another year older. i attack each year with all sorts of new goals and new adventures. this year i feel like the year is attacking me! life is attacking me with its new adventures, i'm simply along for the ride. even as i type this i realize that my life is suddenly categorized into 'trimesters'. i'm finally realizing this as i enter the third and final trimester. you know the one that's capped off by that horrible yet they tell me it's sweet event called LABOR. At this point i'm actually looking forward to it. i NEVER thought i'd say that! this little guy is so active and wild that i can only imagine what he'll be like when he's out. i'm waiting in great anticipation to hang out by the fire in my new living room, the baby will be wiggling around, Sydney will be swatting at Christmas ornaments, Tiger will be lounging in his cubby on the shelf and Brian will be glued to a tacky Christmas special on TV.

House Update: the house is coming along....sort of. Color is up on all the walls, the next time I see it paint will be complete! Once old stuff gets moved out and floors are finished it will really take shape. i'll post a picture when things are looking better.....for now just imagine a bomb going off in your granny's house. Now that we're in full transition the house is taking on a different feel; the old is being replaced with something new. there are new colors, new finishes, new pieces, new flow to the rooms yet the old is being sustained. the spirit of the home remains.

that said it's been super hard to decorate for an old home while taking every precaution to maintain its 'spirit'. usually i'm ecstatic about taking a trip to IKEA (tomorrow) but this time i'm totally overwhelmed. this isn't supposed to happen till you get in the store! for the first time i've got an entire house to accommodate. of course all my angst is self-inflicted. i want it all done at once. within a week of moving i want it complete......we'll see. i think i'll be learning another lesson in 'letting go'.

though i'm sarcastically complaining a ton i'm surprisingly content with how life is attacking me. in life we approach all things with two attitudes: love or fear. in each situation we can choose death or life. sadly there is no in between. (this awesome life lesson taken from Meditations from the Mat) it's amazing where God will take you when you choose life in every little situation, the love overwhelms you. coming from an aspiring yoga teacher, i would encourage anyone who hasn't spent some time alone, in the quiet to do so. like other friends experiencing profound growth in the quiet moments i too am enjoying the silence. in the stillness there is a comforting peace.

No pain, No gain

i worked really hard to get to Australia. when i got there i did everything i could to surround myself with the familiar. right now all i know as familiar is being redefined. my own body has been taken over and i do not feel at home in my own skin. my grandmother's home has been ransacked to be remodeled as my home, though it does not feel like home anymore. pictures i painted and gifts i made are scattered in boxes. layers of wallpaper that used to drive me crazy with their busy patterns are piled in the floor. the pepto-pink room littered with everything floral is plastered over. all of it gives me the feeling we made the wrong move. weeks ago my mother called in turmoil expressing similar feelings of disgrace. i didn't understand then. the picture of our idealistic design remains in my head but it quickly becomes fuzzy when faced with the disaster zone that is reality.
correct anyone who ever tells you it is pain free to take major life 'growth-spurts'. to improve the physical body one must breakdown the muscles before growth can occur. no pain, no gain right? the hard part of physical training is not physical but mental. its giving the mind over to the body. the spirit can take the body so much further than we all believe, we just get in our own way a lot. i'm trying not to get in my own way. for any growth in life to occur there first must be a breakdown, ripping apart, dredging, upheaval of really awful nasty stuff. there are days like today where this process is more than i can handle, and more than i can 'let go' of. it comes snowballing in and the weight in my chest alerts me to breathe.
from the outside looking in my life appears wrapped in positivity. new baby, new remodeled home, new opportunities; new chapter. all this newness requires transition and with transition comes stress. moving stress, job stress, physical stress, baby stress, relationship stress....the list goes on and on. managing it will only make it worse. within the next 60 days we'll finish renovations, move, complete birthing classes, navigate a maternity contract, gain 10 more pounds, and enter the 3rd trimester.
i am working on giving myself over completely to the process. with every attempt at comfort and surrounding myself with the familiar i am working on surrendering and letting go. a proverb i read somewhere said with much struggle comes much joy. the beauty on the other side of all of this brokenness is far beyond my comprehension.

hold on, the next 60 days are going to shake things up.