No pain, No gain

i worked really hard to get to Australia. when i got there i did everything i could to surround myself with the familiar. right now all i know as familiar is being redefined. my own body has been taken over and i do not feel at home in my own skin. my grandmother's home has been ransacked to be remodeled as my home, though it does not feel like home anymore. pictures i painted and gifts i made are scattered in boxes. layers of wallpaper that used to drive me crazy with their busy patterns are piled in the floor. the pepto-pink room littered with everything floral is plastered over. all of it gives me the feeling we made the wrong move. weeks ago my mother called in turmoil expressing similar feelings of disgrace. i didn't understand then. the picture of our idealistic design remains in my head but it quickly becomes fuzzy when faced with the disaster zone that is reality.
correct anyone who ever tells you it is pain free to take major life 'growth-spurts'. to improve the physical body one must breakdown the muscles before growth can occur. no pain, no gain right? the hard part of physical training is not physical but mental. its giving the mind over to the body. the spirit can take the body so much further than we all believe, we just get in our own way a lot. i'm trying not to get in my own way. for any growth in life to occur there first must be a breakdown, ripping apart, dredging, upheaval of really awful nasty stuff. there are days like today where this process is more than i can handle, and more than i can 'let go' of. it comes snowballing in and the weight in my chest alerts me to breathe.
from the outside looking in my life appears wrapped in positivity. new baby, new remodeled home, new opportunities; new chapter. all this newness requires transition and with transition comes stress. moving stress, job stress, physical stress, baby stress, relationship stress....the list goes on and on. managing it will only make it worse. within the next 60 days we'll finish renovations, move, complete birthing classes, navigate a maternity contract, gain 10 more pounds, and enter the 3rd trimester.
i am working on giving myself over completely to the process. with every attempt at comfort and surrounding myself with the familiar i am working on surrendering and letting go. a proverb i read somewhere said with much struggle comes much joy. the beauty on the other side of all of this brokenness is far beyond my comprehension.

hold on, the next 60 days are going to shake things up.

BOY

Yeah, did i mention it's a BOY? Logan Keith MacIntosh is expected to arrive 12.09.08

inaugural address...

i've been inspired. i'm inclined to share my journey with those around me. Life happens faster than i can email, texted, verbalize it to anyone. Thus the blog is born; a streaming line of jessica thought.
So where do i start?
How about i'm 20 weeks pregnant and totally consumed with finding food each hour of the day that doesn't give me heart burn. i'm moving in Sept. to my grandmother's old home. but before the excitement of moving can begin i'm swimming in an emotional renovation and upfit of the place. this literally means pulling out and ripping down 60 years of memories and cobwebs. outside of growing a person and renovating a home i spend all my time working at an utterly soul sucking job as an office manager. somehow, God willing, i will move (6 mo pregnant), work until Thanksgiving, deliver a healthy little person into the world, feed it, nurse it, change it for several weeks and embrace a new year for the first time as a mother. my first order of business will be to begin my 200 hr yoga certification January 3rd. i should be teaching yoga full-time before my maternity leave times out.
As i write i'm positive none of this will turn out as planned. NO, sometimes it turns out better if we let go.

Ps. 37:5 Commit everything you do unto God. Trust Him, and He will bless you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noon sun.