what i never new i always wanted

what we want...

2009-06-26T19:27:00.001-07:00

We humans strive so hard for what we want. We toil our lives away, countless hours striving for our dreams. I've come to realize I do not know what I want and should stop trying to figure it out. This methodology sounds a little off..stay with me....All too often we achieve what we've worked so hard for only to find it leaves us wanting.

God said in the book of Jeremiah, 'i know the plans i have for you, not plans to harm you but give you hope and great future'. His plans are more than fathomly imaginable. Its certainly not what I would choose....or is it?

We limit our own understanding of what He can provide by putting God in the 'american dream' box when He's way bigger.

welcome aboard

2009-06-26T18:46:00.001-07:00

So life is beginning to normalize. we're going into our 7 mo of parenting with two teeth and partially mobile baby. I decided it was time to attempt reading a book. I began Animal, Vegetable, Miracle a few nights ago. Honestly I'm not sure I like it. Their one of my people, they hug trees and such. Its a rather frustrating book to read how horrible it is to buy bananas and how people don't like to think their food comes from dirt. I guess its positive for the general population's awareness of current food issues. Those of us who've been composting, growing veg and buying local for years embrace the idea of our way of life becoming mainstream. We don't mind there are more crowds at the farmer's market....

What gets me pondering though, is how is one supposed to live this sustainable lifestyle? I mean with it becoming hip and all. It means there are more people doing it and more opinions. I'm supposed to buy local right? SO I go to the farmer's market down the street, oh wait I drove my car (hybrid of course). No, I should have rode my bike...no no, I should walk! With everyone tapping into the environmental movement its hard to know what to change, your light bulbs maybe? Its enough to cause a migraine. I grown my own garden, but were my seeds local? How am I to till the soil without using a gas powered polluting tiller? I can only water it with a rain barrel or grey water...... How is a normal person supposed to make their own cleaning products, buy local, grow their own foods, sleep on organic mattresses with bamboo sheets, eat from compostable plates, drink from BPA free-reusable bottles, take bags to the store, remember it must all be organic, drive a hybrid or bike everywhere....don't forget to recycle! its exhausting. There is even a choice of what type of compost to use: worm compost, heated compost, manure, old fashioned-throw-it-in-a-pile-of-leaves compost.

Those of you just now getting on the 'green fad', welcome aboard. Its a dirty ride (on a second hand bike, of course).

approaching 6 months!

2009-05-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

it's been over a year now since this journey began. it seems like each year Brian and i are doing something new and different, finally some roots! We're masters of transition; always moving, job hoping, embarking on new adventures.....now we're the ones being taken for a ride by this little being named Logan. Currently he's eating food, rice cereal, peas, sweet potatoes, pears...ect. He seems to like more savory stuff, not sure where he got that! We've also added another member of the family: Rocky the boxer-lab-hound-beagle. Yeah, he barks all the time. The cats are perturbed to say the least. My etsy store is flourishing and I'm thoroughly enjoying being out of the professional world. I've also started gardening again. This year I'm doing: potatoes, lettuce, carrots, zucchini, heirloom tomatoes, peas, beans, cucumber, cantaloupe, garlic, peppers and butternut squash! So exciting! We've committed to buying as much local food as possible....
check out the www.charlottetailgatemarket.com and the www.mounthollyfarmersmarket.com both awesome places.....happy growing!

milestones

2009-03-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

holy moly i never new i'd be so busy looking after a 3 mo old! Logan has grown so much. He's sitting up, smiling and has discovered his hair. He likes to stroke his hair, he looks like a little monkey when he does it.
Our lives are getting back to normal now, whatever that means.... Brian and I have stolen a few moments to get in the kayaks. I've had some time to myself to attempt mt biking and climbing again. I'm able to do so much more than I could before. After enduring labor I know what I can handle and its way more than 11 miles of biking, a marathon or adventure race!
Spring is bringing its newness as always. Birds are chirping, sun is shinning and Logan's sleeping through most nights. We're finally getting rest. Now I'm able to focus on more things besides eat, sleep, poop (repeat). I've been able to find a new creative outlet: I've opened a site on etsy to sell vintage glassware and handmade homewares. (www.buddingprovisions.etsy.com)
Check it out....

6 weeks in counting...

2009-01-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

there is so much to ponder....i'm 6 weeks into the wildest adventure of my life. the past weeks have given me my best and worst moments of my life. nothing anyone can tell you, or any book or website could prepare you this ride.
Logan is perfect. A miserable pregnancy, horrendous labor and surgery was more than enough suffering to be blessed with the perfect baby. I have to brag a moment because Brian and I firmly believe this is a gift from God and nothing we had anything to do with! He's got the best little disposition and quirky little attitude. He's content with most anything. Only when he's really uncomfortable will he begin to give you dirty looks but hardly any crying. The past week has been rougher though. He was diagnosed with RSV (infant bronchitis) this week. He's been slightly more fussy while battling the coughing and constant sniffles. He's got to feel really awful yet he still finds the strength to play and smile. He's a happy, contented child and for that we are totally grateful!
I'm recovering rather well from all the trauma. Though without sleep and proper nutrition my body is screaming for rest. Logan also sleeps really well but I'm a bear, I need like 10 hrs a night. Prior to baby I slept for a minimum of 8 hrs each night. If I had even a few nights of 6-7hrs I was good for nothing. Yet, God provides the strength I need when I need it. And if I have a breakdown Brians there to coach me through it. Brian and I are both so clueless about caring for a baby that I think we've shed more tears than Logan has! Better and better each day we're growing and adapting.
I'm cherishing every moment of his tiny-ness. He'll be grown before I know it and the cute innocence of it all will be only memories.Don't take this the wrong way but recently someone asked if I could imagine life without him. Well yeah, I can. Life without baby is still very vivid in my mind. The freedom, energy, vitality and rest are taunting me. I do not wish to be without the little guy but I do wish for more mobility. I'm thankful for the coziness of my couch this winter but long for warm spring days when we can get outdoors!

first week on the job...

2008-12-15T13:00:00.001-08:00

SO - you've all heard the news by now. Little Logan stormed into our lives last Sunday December 7th at 9:18pm. After a 26 hr labor we won the battle and they cut him out. They found him facing up with his foot wedged under my rib and shoulder in my hip. Little stubborn thing didn't want to come out. He was perfectly happy and content in there. He's taken to the outside world rather well. During our 5 day stint at the hospital he hardly cried. If you change his diaper, change his clothes, leave him unclothed or take off his booties - he'll let you know those things are not OK. Brian and I are recovering well and establishing a rhythm with baby in the house. The cats have all but forgotten his presence since getting a Christmas tree. They LOVE the smell, twinkling lights and pine water so much so that they are not bothered by the new noises in the house.
I've taken to my new job quite well actually. I'm not stir crazy like I was, I'm able to touch my toes again and nothing I eat gives me heart burn! For now I'm content on embracing the new most important job I'll ever (and always) have, mommyhood.

waiting

2008-11-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

when I thought I was ready, God decides to teach me about waiting. We're still waiting on baby. This little guys got a double dose of stubborn woven into his DNA, he doesn't stand a chance. If they've said by the end of the month he'll come Dec. 1st for sure. There is every sign in the book its really really soon....but still no Logan. We'll see if he storms into Thanksgiving!

Ps 62:5 Let all that I am wait quietly before God. My Hope is in him alone.

not yet but almost...

2008-11-13T12:03:00.001-08:00

We're not yet there but almost are....officially we've been told he will be here before the end of the month! I'm so ready to NOT be pregnant I'm ready to do anything. Ready Jenny McCarthy's book or look through any pregnancy book and I've experienced everything under the sun and more if you've got an imagination!
For the record, if anyone were to speculate I may not have worked until the absolute end, think again. I had 7 hrs of contractions yesterday yet still came into work today. This baby has 'dropped' as low as he can go and not drop out yet I'm still at work. I've cleaned my own puke (sorry if its TMI) yet still made it into work. I'm walking around dilated, yet still I'm here! I'm about as sick of architecture as I am of being pregnant.
I'm ready to be home. I love being in the house. While eating breakfast this morning a large hawk flew into the yard and perched on a branch nearby. No doubt he was looking for a nice squirrel! I'm worried the little black squirrel with no tail will get caught. I've named him minus. The other squirrels don't like him and they bully him but he still keeps hopping around like he doesn't care. We've also got a allusive raccoon. He stays well hidden but is into everything.
I cannot wait to get through the next several weeks. I'm sure most of it will be quite surreal. I cannot wait to surface as my non-pregnant self and take this little one outside. I considered going camping this weekend (to bring on labor) the more I talked about it the more contractions I had. This little guy got excited as I got excited! I've tried to tell him he'll have plenty of time to go camping when he's out and that I deserve at least one more trip but he's stubborn (like his parents).
Another venting moment: to those that keep telling me 'my world is getting ready to change'....where have you been? my world changed the minute we confirmed this pregnancy! And renovating, moving and Brian's job change, my friendships changing, my transitions at work...that's not enough change for you? Sure things will change - I'll have a newborn and NOT be pregnant! Yippie. I'll have ONE responsibility. For the next month or so until we determine my work-return-to-work details I'll have only ONE responsibility. That's such a relief. ALSO, to those that keep telling me to rest now cause I can't when I have a newborn.....what type of sleep pattern do you think I've been having? 90 minutes at a time! I'm lucky if I get 3-4 hours in one stretch with out getting up or taking heartburn/ nausea meds. Don't talk to me about sleep deprivation. Right now I've got a 6-7lb human jumping around inside me, a 20 lbs cat that likes sleeping ON me, 15lb cat that likes sleeping beside us and Brian - all in one bed! Yeah I'll be happy with my sleep when I can put at least one of these in the other room! The WORST part of pregnancy, beyond the physical agony, is the unsolicited advice. Everyones got it and feels the need to freely pour it upon you. For some reason the closer the relative the more controlling they are!
Not too much longer now. All the rest may leave instantly but I feel the advice will continue to pour....

nesting

2008-11-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

ok, so I won't deny it this time....I'm nesting. My mother-in-law says 'everything will have to be perfect for the baby' that's when I'll know I'm 'nesting'. Well, I'm not stuck on getting everything perfect for him per say, I'm more focused on being ready so I'm not freaking out about not having stuff finished. For example, I'm working on cooking and freezing chicken-pot-pies, keeping the house as clean as possible, dishes are constantly being done, cat litter is to be empty at all times, I'm scheduling the bills to be paid through the end of the month, ALL trash must be taken out immediately, I've got lists for my lists. I'm OCD, anal, whatever you want to call me, but this is extreme. I do not want to bother with unopened mail when I go into labor. As many of you know I've begun to feel pressure on several occasions. Usually its brought on by crazy excessive working around the house. Resting seems to pause it. However my midwife has confirmed its not false but that I'm actually dilating. Each time I experience it, the pressure is slightly more intense. One day this will being and will not stop till I get this being out!
It took until the last days/weeks for me to catch the baby fever but I finally caught it. My symptoms? I got really giddy and couldn't pass up buying mini corduroys lined with fleece and a green onesie with little trees on it. The outfit would totally match the little Teva's we've gotten him. I'm already planning our first 'hike' at Latta. My to do list has more fun cutesy baby stuff on it than I ever thought possible. On top of my Blue Ridge Outdoors magazine lies FitPregnancy and mom&baby.....I'm more excited about receiving my little baby clothes in the mail than my Patagonia order....hmm.

Update

2008-11-06T12:17:00.000-08:00

So its official. I'll be out of work next Friday. I originally aimed for Dec 1 now I'm having to leave mid-Nov. I'm ok with that. I've accepted that I owe it to myself to have some resting time. I'm not nearly as miserable as I was the past 8 months. Next week I'm roughly 37 weeks along anyways. Since my body's been spurting into labor randomly its best I take a cue from my lazy cats and get some rest. Who knows when this little guy will come but he's giving us plenty of warning. Of course I've got plans for what to do with (hopefully a few days to a week off). I'm going to cook! I'm going to make tons of food to freeze for when he finally does come. We'll have a vat of chili and beef stew, lasagna, chicken pot-pies and quiche.....I've also got a list of foods to have on hand and a regular grocery shopping list for anyone willing to run to the store for us. If I could make a profession out of list making I'd make tons of money!
We're ready! Clothes are washed, sheets are on the bed, things are in order....we're prepared as we're going to be for Logan's arrival.
Stay Tuned......

Final Fronter

2008-11-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

The shower was a success! I won't say it was pulled of without a hitch. There were many glitches. Of course we were working on the house until late Friday evening and I cooked for 5+ hours. I guess I'll not be cooking Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners this year thus I got my need to churn out all three Pumpkin, Pecan and Apple pies this go around. I also learned that even though you get something catered it might need cooking! My apologies to anyone who ate the spanikopita before we realized they needed heating. Thanks to everyone who turned out. It was truly awesome experience.
To my friends, they know who they are, that stepped up to the plate and essentially made sure I did not go into labor during the shower - You gals ROCK. I have plenty of assurance you guys will weigh into the chaos again. I'm sure I'll be kept company at the hospital and I'm looking forward to having adult interaction in the weeks of new mommy-hood. I'm not quite sure how I'll explain to Logan why he's got so many Aunts. Some we'll cook with, eat with or climb with, others we'll hike and camp with.
I heard recently that conscious parenting beings long before birth. Its our full intention to raise this little guy immersed in a world filled with our passions. Ultimately he'll choose his own path but he'll be fully exposed to our beliefs, respect for nature, appreciation for good food and active lifestyle. YES, that's right active lifestyle. I fully intend for Logan (whose name means "of the outdoors") to spend several nights under the stars before he even knows how to walk. If one more person tells us our lives are going to change and that we'll not be doing all this 'stuff' we enjoy anymore I'll blow a gasket. We're not weekend warriors, we live a certain way. If you grow a garden you'll not stop because you have children. No, you'll teach them where their food comes from (not the produce section of WalMart) and how to compost!
I've been asked another annoying question in the last weeks: Are you excited to be having a baby? What kinds of answers do people expect. I know down here in the south they must expect a sugar coated "Oh yes very!" served with a polite smile. See as I march to the beat of my own drum and certainly do not naturally react this way I've sarcastically replied "oh sure, its growing on me!" In all honesty, no I'm not excited to have a baby. (verb) If anyone is excited to go through this action you must be crazy. My pregnancy has been enough discomfort to keep anyone from having a baby. Sure, initially you do have an infant. Infant grows into baby-hood. baby-hood grows to crumb-snatcher....and so on. I'm not a baby person. Of course I know you love your own. I already do in my own way but I'm excited for the long haul.
I'm excited to have a new person. Far too often one catches baby-fever and gets caught up in it all. I think we're excited to begin growing a family. To begin to raise a person. I'm looking forward to watching him experience life. Baby-hood will have its moments but as I know from my brother so does all the other stages. The way his face lights up over life's simple things and his laugh, his humor and hearing his imagination. Those are the things we get to experience long after he grows out of smartwool booties.

For those of you desiring pictures. I've finally posted some of the house and Logan's room on flickr.com PEOPLE search for 'jessica.macintosh' and you should find them.

We're in the final 30 days and will no doubt post the big news of his official arrival ASAP....Stay Tuned.

2008-10-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

I hope your weekend was great? I had probably the best 3 days I've had the entire pregnancy! EVERYONE has said the last trimester is the toughest, the last several weeks are the worst......I'm halfway through the third trimester and I don't agree. How about my entire past 32 weeks have been a pain to say the least but the last several weeks have been improving. Other than being physically unable to bend in the middle I'm doing OK. I can't lift furniture, paint baseboards or rake in the yard but I can cook a mean pumpkin pie, paint a mural and organize!
My first weekend in the house was wonderful. Most things are in their place and very few boxes needing my attention. I was up before 7am on Saturday. It was one of the only sun-rises I was able to witness since becoming pregnant. The best part was NO nausea. I'm told it may return in the end but if I could have just a week or two without it......
In May, during the worst weeks I wrote down each need I felt like we had. The list was short but big. I really jump out there and stated our financial, professional, personal and spiritual needs. While reflecting over the past several months I realized this weekend officially we have had ALL our needs met. Not partially, not somewhat - ALL. I'm sure sometime this week I'll begin to waiver and question God's control. I'm sure I'll shout "whose manning the ship?" I'll have to remind myself we're taken care of. In such a short amount of time our lives have been reoriented. Circumstances we thought we were going to deal with have vanished, new solutions came clear out of the blue and situations have worked themselves out far better than expected.
After this weekend I'm reminded again that none of this is easy. Its messy and colorful but its mine.

UPDATE

2008-09-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

Greetings! a ton has happened in the last several weeks! Mid-September Brian took a new job at Woodbridge in Kings Mountain. For about 3 weeks he drove 80 mi round trip to work each day. Not bad considering we have a Prius right? wrong. It was during the worst gas outage Charlotte has ever seen. We ended up filling a 5 gal. container every couple of days to keep the Jeep running. Somehow during the middle of the gas outage and job change we managed to get moved. Yep, we're all moved in. As of yesterday all our stuff is out of the apartment and we're moved! We're still stepping over boxes and piles of stuff but things are coming along. I'll post pictures soon......
We checked in on little Logan again yesterday. He's 4 lbs 4 oz. already! They think he'll be 6 lbs by early Nov. He might be about 7-8 lbs total? If he waits that long. By my calculations I could go as early as Thanksgiving day.....they've got a bet going at work as to when I'll deliver.
Now that we're moved I want nothing more than to settle in and get ready for what is to come. They call this nesting, I call it Super OCD Jessica. Watch out - you haven't seen nesting! The next big milestone date is the baby shower scheduled for Nov. 1st. It'll be at the house so I'm determined to have things in order by then. Robin's working on invites, they'll be in the mail shortly so stay tuned......basic info:

What: Baby Shower for Logan
When: Saturday Nov. 1st noon-4pm (drop-in)
Where: Our New Home (307 McAdenville Rd. Belmont NC 28012)
How: registries found at BabysRUs.com and REI.com

2008-09-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

something is stressful only if you perceive it to be so.

New Beginnings

2008-08-22T07:50:00.004-07:00

Its been awhile since I've actually posted any information into what is actually going on.... It seems that everyone including myself is in transition. Most people I know are in a place of new beginnings, or ending which is the new beginning of something else......
I'm actually blessed to have so many of you at such different places - beginning cooking school or ministry school, having little ones, planning weddings, navigating job changes or career changes, new relationships and ending worn out ones.....the list goes on and on. With so much transition I'm reminded that life isn't lived in the momentous occasions. Though we mark our lives by them, real hard-core daily living is characterized by transition or the moments between the milestones.
I feel as if I'm in a really weird place right now. Kind of like limbo. I'm moving from one platform to another with a clear vision of where I've been, no safety net below, one rope holding me on, support people all around but not able to help a whole lot. I cannot stay where I am and I'm not quite to the other platform. I'm somewhere in between. Its jerky, its wobbling, at any given moment I could scream, laugh or cry. I'm holding onto my Rope for dear life and waiting to jump.
So where am I at in this process? I'm still very unsure of the path laid before me, I'm feeling out maternity leave, adjusting to a new boss, Brian began a new job today, just started teaching a new yoga class, I'm 10 weeks away from delivering a new little person into the world, physically moving into the house over the next 14 days......where does the list end? everything that could be new or changing is! Including my waistline!
(for all of you that are dying to know I've only gained like 20 lbs so far.) They have me on track to put on 30lbs during the entire pregnancy....we'll see)

not an alien

2008-08-22T07:50:00.003-07:00

being pregnant is NOT a handicap. a due date is NOT an expiration date. pregnancy is NOT contagious. having a baby does NOT stop life. having a baby EXPANDS life and forces you to grow as a person.

home stretch....

2008-08-22T07:50:00.002-07:00

on the home stretch now; third trimester has begun! 12 more weeks and I'm finished being a human incubator. Hard to believe huh? In 30 more days we'll be settleing in after much transition! Oct and Nov will be about taking a breath and getting ready for baby......
For those of you who say you aren't ready for this. Let me tell ya, you never will be. I'm still not. Its about letting go and flowing with what is.

Questions...

2008-08-22T07:50:00.001-07:00

so the first trimester question was: "How are you feeling?"
the second trimester was: "Do you know what you are having?"
and the third trimester: "So when is your shower?"......
.....hang tight, you'll get an invite soon.

Sigh of relief...

2008-08-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

So my grandmother went into the house today for the first time in over a month. She's aware she hasn't been to her house, she's accepted she doesn't live there but still wanted to see it. She has every right to want to see what is going on there. Currently furniture is moved about, painting is 75% complete and the flooring guy is coming soon (crossed fingers). It's not quite the disaster zone that it was but it's not far from it either.
My mother gave in to her prodding today and took her by to see the house. At first sight of the house my grandmother exclaimed, "Well some one's going to have to clean this place!" She wasn't too happy about things being moved about but understood it was for the painting. She's perfectly ok to let go of certain pieces, such as the old-a-mouse-could-live-in-me pink layZboy chair my brother and I have kept far too long. She was happy we were bringing back the hardwoods too and said she couldn't wait to see the baby's room!
This is such a sign of relief for all of us for her to gain a since of understanding. She's not only accepting she doesn't live there but is also accepting we will live there and is happy to have a 3rd generation raised in the home. She said she's looking forward to coming to see the baby at her house and knows he'll be happy there! This dwelling is not just a house its all of our HOME.

2008-08-12T05:43:00.002-07:00

"Let us insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the kingdom of God. "
- Mother Teresa

a better world: God is in the details....

2008-08-12T05:43:00.001-07:00

Today i was cleaning the office (i've been archiving old drawings for weeks) and finally decided to find a home for the stone-age printer we've got. i called A Better World, an after school care program just down the street. They provide tutoring, counseling, food needs and unique opportunities to at-risk kids and their families in the office's neighborhood. In the spring we donated several rolls of random, unusable large format paper to them and they were really excited to use it with the kids. I called today to see if they could make use of our printer. Their new director was floored and shared with me their specific need for an 11X17 color printer!Really awesome how little details work out.

another year bites the dust....

2008-08-12T05:43:00.000-07:00

most of the time i'm super excited to turn another year older. i attack each year with all sorts of new goals and new adventures. this year i feel like the year is attacking me! life is attacking me with its new adventures, i'm simply along for the ride. even as i type this i realize that my life is suddenly categorized into 'trimesters'. i'm finally realizing this as i enter the third and final trimester. you know the one that's capped off by that horrible yet they tell me it's sweet event called LABOR. At this point i'm actually looking forward to it. i NEVER thought i'd say that! this little guy is so active and wild that i can only imagine what he'll be like when he's out. i'm waiting in great anticipation to hang out by the fire in my new living room, the baby will be wiggling around, Sydney will be swatting at Christmas ornaments, Tiger will be lounging in his cubby on the shelf and Brian will be glued to a tacky Christmas special on TV.

House Update: the house is coming along....sort of. Color is up on all the walls, the next time I see it paint will be complete! Once old stuff gets moved out and floors are finished it will really take shape. i'll post a picture when things are looking better.....for now just imagine a bomb going off in your granny's house. Now that we're in full transition the house is taking on a different feel; the old is being replaced with something new. there are new colors, new finishes, new pieces, new flow to the rooms yet the old is being sustained. the spirit of the home remains.

that said it's been super hard to decorate for an old home while taking every precaution to maintain its 'spirit'. usually i'm ecstatic about taking a trip to IKEA (tomorrow) but this time i'm totally overwhelmed. this isn't supposed to happen till you get in the store! for the first time i've got an entire house to accommodate. of course all my angst is self-inflicted. i want it all done at once. within a week of moving i want it complete......we'll see. i think i'll be learning another lesson in 'letting go'.

though i'm sarcastically complaining a ton i'm surprisingly content with how life is attacking me. in life we approach all things with two attitudes: love or fear. in each situation we can choose death or life. sadly there is no in between. (this awesome life lesson taken from Meditations from the Mat) it's amazing where God will take you when you choose life in every little situation, the love overwhelms you. coming from an aspiring yoga teacher, i would encourage anyone who hasn't spent some time alone, in the quiet to do so. like other friends experiencing profound growth in the quiet moments i too am enjoying the silence. in the stillness there is a comforting peace.

No pain, No gain

2008-08-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

i worked really hard to get to Australia. when i got there i did everything i could to surround myself with the familiar. right now all i know as familiar is being redefined. my own body has been taken over and i do not feel at home in my own skin. my grandmother's home has been ransacked to be remodeled as my home, though it does not feel like home anymore. pictures i painted and gifts i made are scattered in boxes. layers of wallpaper that used to drive me crazy with their busy patterns are piled in the floor. the pepto-pink room littered with everything floral is plastered over. all of it gives me the feeling we made the wrong move. weeks ago my mother called in turmoil expressing similar feelings of disgrace. i didn't understand then. the picture of our idealistic design remains in my head but it quickly becomes fuzzy when faced with the disaster zone that is reality.
correct anyone who ever tells you it is pain free to take major life 'growth-spurts'. to improve the physical body one must breakdown the muscles before growth can occur. no pain, no gain right? the hard part of physical training is not physical but mental. its giving the mind over to the body. the spirit can take the body so much further than we all believe, we just get in our own way a lot. i'm trying not to get in my own way. for any growth in life to occur there first must be a breakdown, ripping apart, dredging, upheaval of really awful nasty stuff. there are days like today where this process is more than i can handle, and more than i can 'let go' of. it comes snowballing in and the weight in my chest alerts me to breathe.
from the outside looking in my life appears wrapped in positivity. new baby, new remodeled home, new opportunities; new chapter. all this newness requires transition and with transition comes stress. moving stress, job stress, physical stress, baby stress, relationship stress....the list goes on and on. managing it will only make it worse. within the next 60 days we'll finish renovations, move, complete birthing classes, navigate a maternity contract, gain 10 more pounds, and enter the 3rd trimester.
i am working on giving myself over completely to the process. with every attempt at comfort and surrounding myself with the familiar i am working on surrendering and letting go. a proverb i read somewhere said with much struggle comes much joy. the beauty on the other side of all of this brokenness is far beyond my comprehension.

hold on, the next 60 days are going to shake things up.

BOY

2008-07-31T18:19:00.002-07:00

Yeah, did i mention it's a BOY? Logan Keith MacIntosh is expected to arrive 12.09.08

inaugural address...

2008-07-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

i've been inspired. i'm inclined to share my journey with those around me. Life happens faster than i can email, texted, verbalize it to anyone. Thus the blog is born; a streaming line of jessica thought.
So where do i start?
How about i'm 20 weeks pregnant and totally consumed with finding food each hour of the day that doesn't give me heart burn. i'm moving in Sept. to my grandmother's old home. but before the excitement of moving can begin i'm swimming in an emotional renovation and upfit of the place. this literally means pulling out and ripping down 60 years of memories and cobwebs. outside of growing a person and renovating a home i spend all my time working at an utterly soul sucking job as an office manager. somehow, God willing, i will move (6 mo pregnant), work until Thanksgiving, deliver a healthy little person into the world, feed it, nurse it, change it for several weeks and embrace a new year for the first time as a mother. my first order of business will be to begin my 200 hr yoga certification January 3rd. i should be teaching yoga full-time before my maternity leave times out.
As i write i'm positive none of this will turn out as planned. NO, sometimes it turns out better if we let go.

Ps. 37:5 Commit everything you do unto God. Trust Him, and He will bless you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noon sun.